


a guilt complex

by DidiNyx



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Guilt, Introspection, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Team Feels, Team as Family, i've never written for this anime yet sooo, the only thing alternate is more emphasis on oikawa's thoughts on suga, well more of a HOPEFUL ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 06:28:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19388407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DidiNyx/pseuds/DidiNyx
Summary: He had a clear, focused eye on the court since he has been sitting out. It helps him as a strategist. But sometimes, those rare times he looks all his teammates in the face as they play without him on the court-- studies their nervous habits, reads their emotions easily even if they are very deliberate and careful about how they portray themselves-- Suga sees through all of it, every last detail.





	a guilt complex

**Author's Note:**

> look i understand Suga ain't even That Deep but for some reason his personality, canon struggles and all the possible things you can read in between the lines just makes me Weak and Emotional so here i am writing about our #2 player, co-captain, mom & lord and savior Koshi Sugawara  
> (pls adopt me suga-senpai)

Suga ran his fingers swiftly through his silver hair before sighing and giving up on homework. Downing a bottle of water quickly, Suga wondered how in the world he was so out of breath if he wasn’t even practicing volleyball currently. It was days like this when the usual lightness and serenity he approached all of life’s challenges faded and some odd inner sadness he’s been carrying manifests itself harshly. It left Suga so goddamned confused, it’s not like anything in particular really bothered him. He had already accepted his role as ex-setter on the Karasuno team, he didn’t mind being the emotional supporter his teammates needed, and he certainly could forget about all the tough decisions regarding his future in college. It was already a risk staying in volleyball near one’s last year, especially if said person wasn’t even going to be a sports major at all. Yes, Suga knew the consequences and selflessly refused to let that stop him support his team. And yet…

And yet, as the clock ticks away on this last chance to prove oneself, there’s undeniable some sort of _pressure_ . Suga liked to wave it off, say it’s natural-- like he had always done. But something about the expectations, the dreams of all his friends… it was all on his shoulders, and hell, he was benched the majority of the time. He had a clear, focused eye on the court since he has been sitting out. It helps him as a strategist. But sometimes, those rare times he looks all his teammates in the face as they play without him on the court-- studies their nervous habits, reads their emotions easily even if they are very deliberate and careful about how they portray themselves-- Suga sees through all of it, every last detail. And he thinks, and he keeps noticing, and it becomes so overwhelming that his brain shuts off-- _dangerous, you’re dangerous_ Oikawa had said, _you have plans_ \-- and his heart, so tender and soft despite some moments of mischievous, misleading tendencies… that foolish big heart of his opens up, and Suga tells himself to get his head in the game and focus as usual but alas all he can see are those dreams. 

Hopes of the first years, and excitement of the second years, the last wishes of his fellow third years. They’re all quite simple-- so painfully simple-- but it hurts. It really does. Not even that Suga’s not playing on the court, not being active physically. It hurts because he clearly sees all their dreams, and it reminds him of his own: his dream is simply to make sure his teammates can play, his teammates are happy and they win-- with or without Koshi Sugawara. 

A strategist can’t fall for emotionally-driven bait, same as how a leader can’t fall for something as petty as favoritism. He was dangerous, a secret weapon _because_ he could think. Or maybe-- maybe Suga was _overthinking_ again? Oh, no...

Yep, he's done it again. 

He remembered the way he had tears in his eyes when Oikawa approached him. _I thought I had to worry about Kageyama,_ he had said, _but you... you're dangerous._ Suga jabbed a finger at him, confidently as if he wasn't sobbing at that point. _You better believe that,_ he replied simply.

Suga never breaks, but for some reason, he did that day. At least the team didn't notice, everyone would freak out. And at that Suga laughed harshly at himself. _Oh, how terrified they'd be, the mom friend crying so suddenly as if something was truly wrong._

Because nothing was wrong, this was the perfect year for Karasuno.

This... was the perfect year.

_The perfect year, his last year._

_Dammit, you told Asahi to be positive,_ Suga berated himself, clenching his fists. _How foolish of a co-captain, you don't take your own advice._

_Imagine, just imagine the look on Daichi and Asahi's face when we win nationals. How overjoyed they'd be, how young and timeless it will all feel... Something to look back on._

Suga didn't want to think about that, about the future. It terrified him. Some career, no Karasuno, no pork buns to be shared, no obnoxious Noya and goofy Tanaka and the way Hinata glowed when he was excited, no trembling Asahi or frowning Tsukishima, no innocent Yamaguchi or awkward Kageyama... no captain Daichi, #1 to Suga's #2, god, not all Suga's teasing directed at his close friend.

But this is all perfect.

 _Perfect, perfect,_ how many times has Suga heard that? _So damned overrated._

"Why am I so sad? No-- no, not sad. _Guilty_. God, why do I feel so guilty, I've done nothing wrong."

Suga was strong. Mentally, emotionally. Maybe not physically, though that would be pretty nice as an athlete. He could handle the team's antics, the stressful times, somehow decently balance his schedule. And damn was he fierce about his love for every single damn teammate and play they've ever had, ever since the beginning when Karasuno was just a lost cause, defeated team no one thought was worth being in the prefecture anymore. No, he had hope then and he had hope now.

It was on the tip of the tongue but-- but-- there are simply things that might always be left _unsaid_. Suddenly Suga kinda _did_ want to cry. Not that he cried a lot. No, he wasn't childish. But it might feel good, to prove how much he cared.

Yeah, Suga cared a lot.

And then Suga smiled.

_The irony, of feeling this way. I sure do appreciate it._

Karasuno was so strong, imagine next year, what his friends could accomplish.

"Dangerous, you're dangerous."

_"You better believe that."_

Suga did, because he always had "blind faith" about these sort of things, the ones that made you care so much that you wanted to win as badly as you wanted to breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY SO i've been thinking A LOT about Suga's personality and I guess the reason why of all characters I had to write something about him is because I REALLY relate to having such a confusing guilt complex that just? makes simple emotions seem wrong or confusing? and honestly Suga acts like he knows what he's doing but his struggling with the thought of becoming an actual adult as we all do and really loves his team sdkjksa what else do i have to explain tbh
> 
> Suga traits:
> 
> -kind voice of reason  
> -a guide, encourager  
> -a lot of empathy  
> -REALLY wants to help everyone as much as he can  
> -selfless, was willing to step down his position as setter  
> -very fucking prideful of his team  
> -understands he's useful on the sidelines  
> -DETERMINED  
> -SMART ASF, A SECRET WEAPON
> 
> look he seems like a sweety but he's 50% spice and is super badass, sorry i didn't include these things in the fic i just had to get the Emotions out of the way dsjkfnsdjkka he's a literal Sinnamon roll, passive aggressive asf and i don't want people to forget that either lmao


End file.
